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You can also view my Partner's Blog <a href="https://cringepotato.blogspot.com/">here.</a>
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<a href="https://snowdin.town/notice/ATSjXn9WnSTRTnbtAm">Car Crash, Dental Costs/Issues, and Job Market - 3/9/2023</a>
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<a href="https://snowdin.town/notice/ATSjXn9WnSTRTnbtAm">Car Crash, Dental Costs/Issues, and Job Market - 3/9/2023</a> - <a href="https://limepot.xyz/blograw/dentalissues.txt">RAW</a>
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<a href="https://snowdin.town/notice/ATjx0730T8WrG0b8aG">Agoraphobia - 4/18/23</a> - <a href="https://limepot.xyz/blograw/agoraphobia">RAW</a>
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I have trouble remembering my childhood; However, as far as I can remember easily, I've always been someone you'd consider "Socially Awkward" or "introverted". I wouldn't understand social gestures, speech patterns, habits, etc; And I wasnt fond of interacting with many people for this reason.
It wasn't that bad, just a shy kid, who also hated physical contact. As I grew older, for a multitude of reasons, I became increasingly depressed. Now, instead of being slightly anxious towards and misunderstanding of, social interaction, I simply didn't have the energy to try. So I distanced myself, further and further from people.
I'd get pulled in and push my way out of a few friend groups over the course of my school years, due to this and moving frequently, so I never really held close to many individuals. When I did it would work out sometimes, and that was nice; but sometimes, it'd end awfully for me, and make me want to further isolate.
During one such negative experience, it got really bad. I'd started to become extremely self-conciois of my every move, in fear of letting them down, I'd push people away who'd say negative things about my relationship with this individual. And my anxiety started to skyrocket at the same time as my depression.
Eventually we grew more and more distant, and as the pandemic came, I lost my job, my last place of socialization. I was now the most alone I'd ever been in my entire life. Pushed away or drifted from all the relationships I used to have.
I locked myself in my room, stopped going up for dinner with my family, only stayed awake between 5pm and 5am, to avoid human interaction. No money, no friends, no real hobbies (just watched YouTube, movies, shows, played a game or two, every day, have... Spiritual journeys.), I was reduced to nothing.
Ever since then, I have felt terrified, of human interaction. Going out in public is a panic attack and needs preparations for hours before hand, talking to people, including my own roomates and family, is extremely nerve racking, and mentally taxing. Going to work everyday (whenever I would even have a job), would be an hour long "You can do this. You can do this." Session.
No more eating in public, browsing the mall with friends, hanging out at a museum, going to the library, doing an interview, going for a walk, getting groceries, getting a haircut, going to any appointments, without absolute panic, paranoia, and anxiety.
Specifically the paranoia has worsened over these last few months, as my teeth have been broken by an accident, which doesn't need elaboration for this post besides "it chipped my teeth like a cartoon character getting a hammer to the teeth". I feel like eyes are more drawn to me when I speak or eat in public because of it and that's the exact opposite of what I want.
Now that I have a job, I can work on fixing my teeth and hopefully ease the paranoia, and go back to therapy to work on things... Hopefully.
But until then, I am living a painful hell, of agoraphobia.

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I was hit by a car while riding my electric scooter on my way to work back in late October, this was 2 days before I was to leave my job and move further upstate (keep in mind I did not have a new job lined up, it was a time sensitive matter).
I landed head first, after flipping over my scooters handle bars, my top front teeth ended up going through the skin under my lower lip, and cracking/shattering a lot of my teeth.
I was in the middle of going through a few dental appointments to get rotten teeth cleaned, capped, filled, etc. (I had just gone through a massive depressive episode and did not take care of myself at all, it was awful, but was working on getting myself back on my feet with the help of therapy).
When I went to the dentist after recovering from my more harsh injuries enough to walk, they told me that the car insurance would not cover the work, until after the work was completed, and that I'd need to pay completely up front (about $4000 USD for the accident work, or what Geico considered part of the accident, which left out some teeth) and then after the procedure was over they pay me back. The teeth they had left out, instead of being filled, now needed entire root canals, and some other teeth had also worsened because of this.
In total, my dental fees now stood at $8000, half would be up front in one appointment, and the other half would be after my insurance covered the rest.
This was a massive issue for me, as I now did not have a job, and could not work due to my knee effusion which made it near impossible to walk, and my extremely sore body and healing wounds.
I would not be able to walk until January (even though it should've healed within weeks not months.) And now, even though I'm completely capable, and Qualified, I'm struggling to find a job, companies like *non-descript drink making join* and *non-descript movie theater concession stand* keep rejecting me with emails that read "Even though you are greatly qualified, and competitive, you do not meet our minimum qualifications." Keep in mind I was a fast food shift manager, a restaurant dishwasher, worked at one of these drink joints before, and a couple other jobs. I have the qualifications, but nobody will hire.
So now, I'm stuck, we can barely afford food after rent every month (pretty much all of my girlfriends money goes towards bills), and no matter how well I brush my teeth with my electric brush, I wash out my mouth, pick at my teeth with tooth picks, or how often. I'm stuck with extremely exposed nerves, all of which are rotting away because of this, no matter what I do.
And It's the most embarrassment I've ever felt, the social anxiety and body anxiety I feel over my teeth is so much worse than my dysphoria at this point, I wish dysphoria was all I had.
Anyways, if you want to help pay for some of our groceries, or better yet help me pay my medical bills, [I do have a Ko-Fi Link](https://ko-fi.com/limepot/goal?g=0). Anything helps, truly. If you can't/don't want to donate, I completely understand, but I am extremely grateful for you reading this far, as I didn't write this with the intent of asking for donations initially, just wanted to vent. :comfynight: