23 lines
3 KiB
HTML
23 lines
3 KiB
HTML
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I have trouble remembering my childhood; However, as far as I can remember easily, I've always been someone you'd consider "Socially Awkward" or "introverted". I wouldn't understand social gestures, speech patterns, habits, etc; And I wasnt fond of interacting with many people for this reason.
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It wasn't that bad, just a shy kid, who also hated physical contact. As I grew older, for a multitude of reasons, I became increasingly depressed. Now, instead of being slightly anxious towards and misunderstanding of, social interaction, I simply didn't have the energy to try. So I distanced myself, further and further from people.
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I'd get pulled in and push my way out of a few friend groups over the course of my school years, due to this and moving frequently, so I never really held close to many individuals. When I did it would work out sometimes, and that was nice; but sometimes, it'd end awfully for me, and make me want to further isolate.
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During one such negative experience, it got really bad. I'd started to become extremely self-conciois of my every move, in fear of letting them down, I'd push people away who'd say negative things about my relationship with this individual. And my anxiety started to skyrocket at the same time as my depression.
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Eventually we grew more and more distant, and as the pandemic came, I lost my job, my last place of socialization. I was now the most alone I'd ever been in my entire life. Pushed away or drifted from all the relationships I used to have.
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I locked myself in my room, stopped going up for dinner with my family, only stayed awake between 5pm and 5am, to avoid human interaction. No money, no friends, no real hobbies (just watched YouTube, movies, shows, played a game or two, every day, have... Spiritual journeys.), I was reduced to nothing.
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Ever since then, I have felt terrified, of human interaction. Going out in public is a panic attack and needs preparations for hours before hand, talking to people, including my own roomates and family, is extremely nerve racking, and mentally taxing. Going to work everyday (whenever I would even have a job), would be an hour long "You can do this. You can do this." Session.
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No more eating in public, browsing the mall with friends, hanging out at a museum, going to the library, doing an interview, going for a walk, getting groceries, getting a haircut, going to any appointments, without absolute panic, paranoia, and anxiety.
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Specifically the paranoia has worsened over these last few months, as my teeth have been broken by an accident, which doesn't need elaboration for this post besides "it chipped my teeth like a cartoon character getting a hammer to the teeth". I feel like eyes are more drawn to me when I speak or eat in public because of it and that's the exact opposite of what I want.
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Now that I have a job, I can work on fixing my teeth and hopefully ease the paranoia, and go back to therapy to work on things... Hopefully.
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But until then, I am living a painful hell, of agoraphobia.
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